KIPPAGE: Fun Facts and Useless Information 6 : HO

Jazzsoda's note: A quick note before you enjoy Kip's festive poop to let you all know I'll be on vacation and away from HCC babysitting duties from December 16th through New Year's Eve. I'll be returning in time for our annual New Year's Eve cap party that night, but until then you're on your own, so try not to hurt yourselves or each other unless it's really funny.

CHRISTMAS CAPERS
Where do our Christmas tree and related celebrations come from?, well, here is one person's fractured history, which might clear up a few of the things that were right under your nose, but didn't seem important. And, it might still not be after reading this, but .. (and this is kind of a reader's digest version of the big story).

A long time ago, in a land far away, during pre-history times, not pre-historic though, mind you. In Brittany, and Europe, there were tribes of different peoples, (germanic, celt, thane, britons, moors, and many more), who were led by holy men known as druids. Each tribe had its own holy man or druid who was considered the most intelligent, well learned being in the group. These druids made just about all of the important decisions for the tribe, what crops to plant, where to hunt, how to preserve food for the winter, where to erect the standing stones on the most holiest of the ley lines. Ley lines for those who have never heard of them, are lines of negative and positive power that travel through the earth, and crisscross its surface and contain great energy which the druids used for their magic to ensure good crops, protection from evil, bountiful game to hunt, and many other useful properties to fulfill the tribes needs. These standing stones, such as stonehenge and many others were put on these spots to cultivate these ley lines and reap the power from the earth through them. So, before I get off too far into Arthurian mists, back to the Christmas tree and Santa;

Every tribe's holy man / druid wore a colored robe, all colors of the rainbow were employed, one for each tribe. The holiest of colors, and the leading tribe among tribes wore the white robes.

During the time of the winter solstice, all of the tribes would gather at one of the standing stones / holy spots for a big celebration, around the 21st of December. The usual feasts, orgies, parties, selling of goods, weapons, staples, and you name it, you could find it at the solstice celebration. Sort of like a medieval flea market / science fiction convention / ren fest / highland games festival. The druids had also in their repertoire of magic tools, holy oak trees which were planted along the ley lines for extra energy. In these oak trees, which were void of leaves due to it being wintertime, smudge pots that burned bright chemical colors were placed on the leafless limbs, each tribe would place its colored smudge pot in the tree to signify their attendance. Thus, the first Christmas tree with multi-colored lights was made. Underneath this tree gifts were placed from one tribe for another tribe, and vice versa, which was the beginning of the tradition of exchanging gifts like we do today.

Ah, but then, where does Santa Claus come into the picture, hmmm? Gather round the fireplace and listen to a tale of Old Saint Nick that you may never have heard before, whether it is true or not is not important at this time, but a tale that has been passed down through the ages. (by the time the story reached us, it might not even resemble the original one).

The holiest of colors was white, and the white robed tribespeople were the ruling tribes over all of the others. During the winter solstice celebrations, there were also sacrifices held, of both animal, and human, to the gods of crops, to ensure a good harvest in the coming year. The white tribe would be the ones to carry out these sacrifices, and rumor has it that the original Santa Claus suit was patterned after a druid who wore a white robe, and conducted the sacrifices, and after he was finished, his robe and stocking hat was red except for the fringes, which were still white, there is of course controversy over this last bit of our tale, some say that the Santa suit is patterned after medieval firemen in their red suits, who were in charge of keeping the grass roofs of a village from catching on fire. Another side note to this sordid tale, is that Jack the Ripper was thought to have been a practicing druid, because he laid his victims out just like the druids of yore did with their victims, internal organs placed at certain points around the body to read and get signs of the coming year. The actual reason for the red suit has been lost to history, many different claims will attest to theirs being the true one, and this is just another of them

When the Christian Roman Emperors decided to subvert and conquer the celtic tribes and their druids and other peoples of that land, they banned the sacrifices and introduced christianity, and moved the solstice celebration to the 25th of December to celebrate Christ's birthday, (Which some historians say actually was in late January), and we have held that Christian tradition since that time.

So, some of the Celtic traditions are still with us, mixed in with the Christian religion, and we now have a mid-winter celebration that hardly resembles that which it once was. Oh, there is still the feast, the exchanging of gifts, the Christmas tree, and Santa, and no doubt in some circles, the orgies, but those are not publicly encouraged these days.

Enjoy the Christmas season, it seems that the years go by so fast now, that next week will be Saint Patricks day.

Merry Christmas to all of you, and stay tuned for part 7.


As always, I put in this dis-claimer, I do not claim that any of this is true, or to be the author of any part of it. I am just passing these tales on for pure entertainment. This tale comes from many different sources told to,and researched over the years, and has been put together painstakingly through the use of, ice cream, non-alcoholic beer, and plenty of chocolate chip cookies. Any resemblance to actual living or dead persons is strictly coincidental and not intended to cause lightning bolts to shoot from the sky, even to those that still practice druidism to this day. Even the titile 'Fun Facts and Useless Information' is not my invention, but a bunch of words I put together so it wouldn't sound like 'Be[dfu6wweruh" or something like that. This series is not intended in any way to make profit from, or to mis-appropriate, or plagiarize any similar works of fiction, non-fiction, science fiction, fantasy fiction, booger flicking, or feces tossing.

Have Fun.

KIP